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Post by hmelton on Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:51 pm

It's just something I typed up originally as a short skit or joke.

I've posted to at least one other site a few year back and then more or less abandoned, this past week I almost started an additional chapter that came apart as I mapped it out.

Perhaps someone could suggest a idea how to continue this short skit.

Be WARNED reading this may be harmful as my sense of humor has been described as scary and painful.

Hey how you doing?

uuuuhhhhhhmmmmmm who's calling?


Ming Who?


OH! HI! Mr. Merciless it's been ages since I heard from you.

You've been dead to the world for so long I'd thought I'd finally gotten rid of you as a customer.

Uh why are you groaning so much?

Ohhh! still hurting where that rocket ship punched through?

HHMmmmmmmmm! that's odd. Pink raw skin? hmmmmm. did they... no it's a 1919 series Rejuv isn't it?

Hhhhhmmm! That's not right... Do you wish to file a formal compliant?

After you regained consciousness didn't your minion's use the attached tissue turbo boost regenerator on you?

Just a second let me call up the plans for that old unit. Lets see you purchased the 1919-7 Rejuv/Revitalize in June 1923. It's been so long I can't quite remember...

Just a sec...

Ah here it is.

The Tissue TurboBoost is in a side pocket of all 1919 series Rejuvenator/revitilzer cabinets it looks like an over sized rocket gun with a very large red lightbu...



That had to hurt...

Well just put his heart back in his chest and stick him in the rejuvenator/revitilizer you just climbed out of.

Yea it will fix him right back up in about 6 months he will be as good as new and you can apolog...

Never mind forgot for a second, it has been over 70 years since I last took an order from you Ming.

Well as I was saying in 6 months your minion will be ready to go back to work for you just don't forget to....

Ming! MING! don't shout! YES! I know it took over 70 years to heal you, but Buck ran over you with a Rocket ship then all your loyal subjects spent a few days beating on your pinned body with sledge hammers so of course it took 70 years.

Listen all that's wrong with your minion is the heart you tore out of his chest he hasn't even been dead for a full day yet.

Oh kay feeling better now yea that turbo really does the trick.

How did I know?

The old Turbo Booster regenerator's causes a characteristic spark in com systems.

Now back to business you were saying you wanted to order what?

Yes Ming, I've a large collection of Man Melting Rayguns for sale, they use microwaves.

No Ming, no one else can hear your side of the conversation, all my business calls are switched over to the telempathic transducers.

Yea I've still got those in skin telepathic blockers installed.

You want a thousand of my Man Melter Microwave Rayguns?

Yea there's plenty in stock.

Sadly in my secondary role as a mad scientist weaponeer to evil villains across the multiverse I have discovered that my Man Melter Microwave Rayguns just don't stand up in a fair fight to say Wilma Deering's 0.75 caliber rocket pistol or Buck's 40 mm machine grenade launcher.

Machine Grenade launcher?

It's a machine gun that fires 40 mm grenades.

Yea it surprised me I didn't think anything would make Buck part with that 25 mm rocket rifle, but he upgraded back in the mid 1960's fell in love with a MK 19 machine gun.

Wish I'd invented it, sweet little projectile weapon it can fire 375 forty millimeter grenades a minute and has a belt feed. It doesn't have the range of Buck's old Rocket rifle, but you get within a couple of kilometers of him and ten or twelve 40 mm grenades will really do a number on you or your horde of minions.

It has my Man Melting Microwave Rayguns beat out seriously bad.

Why am I being truthful?

Oh about an hour ago I tested a truth ray and while it worked on my wif... er test subject it had the unexpected side effect of being omnidirectional everyone in the livin... er interrogation room is now compulsively telling the truth, it should wear off in a few hours.

Want to purchase one of my truth rays? They have a few bugs, but right now they would work great as a time delayed truth bomb.

That's okay I know since Buck and Wilma killed you that last time you have been a little strapped for cash. You really should have left more with those minions besides just one of my early model revivication/revitelization chambers.

Okay lets get back to the sale of my Man Melter Microwave Rayguns it comes with a single Sony lithium laptop battery, but for best results you really need to order the backpacks. They can hold 4 twelve volt car batteries or about 45 of the Sony Laptop batteries. Even now using the improved if slightly explosive lithium you still don't have enough power for more than 16 to 18 quick full power man melting shots. After that the current drops so low the recharge time on the microwave capacitors is a real killer.


You want to buy one? I've made several copies of Washu's older designs she lost a bet with me about hot water freezing before cold and...

Oh yea you wouldn't know.

Well laptops are computers no the technology has improved they don't fill entire castles anymore yea now you could put the brain for a robot in the robot or on your lap.

Okay back to the Man Melting Microwave Rayguns truthfully you get better result cutting back the power settings to one of the lower settings such as the man boiling, man cooking or even the man rewarming settings and as Ping's security forces have found out man tingler or stun settings works really well for safe crowd control.

I think man tingler is the best setting especially if your targets have metal in their clothing or weapons like knives, zippers or wires, but with one exception I can't ever seem to get you evil overlords buying my Man Melting Microwave Rayguns to listen or use the lower settings.


Ming are you okay?

Oh! just taking advantage of that little problem I'm having with the truth.

That isn't funny.

Well anyway the one kilowatt magnetrons I use now are taken from old microwave ovens and have a tendency to fail explosively when you fire a few 50 kilowatt man melting pulses in quick succession.

By the way I've put that possible explosion to good use, it's the source of the secondary forward facing shotgun grenade function.

HEY! it's not a bug it's a FEATURE!

The same goes for the jets of steam being vented toward the front right and front left. The superheated cooling water does discourage overrun attacks by angry mobs of pitchfork carrying peasants.

Sorry keep forgetting you been out of circulation. Yea magnetron aren't a mad science anymore nearly everyone has a magnetron in their house.

Death rays?

Welll... sorta they use the microwaves to cook food there are a large number of rumours of people sticking some poor puppy of an irritating cat in one, but...

NO! Don't even think that if my wife got to thinking like that she might decide that's what happened to fluffy.

Well it's... I hear it's Messy beside would you want to eat a bag of popcorn cooked in a microwave used to deathray a cat?

Oh! You want to buy a consumer version big enough to put a man into.

Hhmmmm let me check into that I'm don't think I've ever seen one that big.

Okay back to the Man Melting Microwave Rayguns each gun comes with a glaringly obvious protective tinfoil body suit.

I supply them at a very tiny profit they are what most evil overlords want.

Admittedly they are delicate and the necessity of wearing a vision obscuring wiremesh metal faceplate make it a cumbersome addition to your weapon, but the tinfoil suits are an absolute necessity to protect your troops from the man melter's side lobs and from any energy reflected back at you from the target zone.


Ming I must insist that you purchase the tinfoil body suits your troops just have to have this minimum protection...

My wife might find o...

Let me put it another way Ming this isn't just to protect them they need it so their bodies can protect the evil overlord standing behind them.

Ming. MING! think about it, the tinfoil is not wasted money Buck may start out with that MK 19 and Wilma may have that old fashion, but very nasty rocket gun, but usually within a day their out of ammunition and down to what they can take from your minions.

No! No! don't discount the Man Melters usefulness.

My Man Melting Microwave Rayguns are weapons of terror not war they are perfectly designed to instill terror. Remember Ming you don't need weapons of war if it comes to a war you've lost.

Think about it Ming every time your slave peasants finally get over their fear and declare war your empires have melted like snowballs in the Sahara.

Ming you need to face the fact your really good at using terror to run an empire, but the armies and air forces you build couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag if their life depended on it, let alone the life of somebody they hate and fear like you.

Yea, I'll be glad when that truth ray wears off...

Say Ming do you want to call back in an hour?

Okay if your sure I was sorta hoping you would call back later.

Well if you won't hang up back to the sale pitch.

Just imagine what the peasant will think when your future slaves see an evil minion melt a man. It looks terrible and scary and better yet the time it takes your minions to actually melt the man keeps them from killing to many of your slaves.

Besides do you really want to trust your evil minions with a truly effective weapon?

Speaking of trusting minions I've got this invisible metallic spray you can cover your body with and laugh at a couple of shots from my Man Melting Microwave Raygun.

A few notes of warning about the protective spray it makes you stand out on RADAR and after taking more than a couple of shots from the Man Melting Microwave Raygun the heat produced starts cooking your skin until it peels taking the protection with it.

Yea, I still think my Man Melting Microwave Rayguns are perfect for evil overlords. Just let me tell you about this other evil overlord that uses them.

I have a standing contract with a rather strange and oddly benign evil dictator a few universes to the left of your home universe Ming.
No! NO! you never heard of him he can't come to any of the Evil overlord class reunions they kicked him out after they saw his first five years of being an Evil Overlord.

When? Oh about 295 years ago.

Well anyway back to the Man Melting Microwave Rayguns, this Evil overlord claims they have worked well for the special security detachment that regularly protects him from heroes.

He's ruled his home dimension for nearly 300 years never been overthrown or out of office for more than six months at any one time.

Well he calls himself "Ping the not so Mercyless" and it's absolutely scandalous how kind he is to his peasants.

It's got him tossed from all the multiverse's evil overlord clubs and blacklisted from all the multiverse evil villain reunions. I even have to use my duplicator and send him a bootleg of my copy of the Evil Overlord's monthly.

Nah I broke all the E. O.'s monthly's duplication protection nearly sixty years ago want a copy of the last issue? It's got a plastic insert with a really neat fresnel lens magnifying glass it's great for burning ants.

Ming. MING! stop laughing like that and I'll beam you a copy right over.

Say Ming would you want my copy of the Hero's monthly?

Copy it!? Are you crazy? Hero's monthly doesn't just booby trap their magazines to prevent duplication they hire lawyers!

Say Ming here's an interesting note in Hero's about Ping there are several multiverse Hero bar's that have made known that he and his special security detail are always welcome all the free soda they can drink, but he claims he can't afford to go, he always loses so many of his security girls to marriages when he does. The bridal gifts and generous severance payment he gives to a departing security henchwoman is a real killer on his private budget.

Beer? are you crazy he hates the stuff beside his wife would kill the barkeep. That crazy hatchet and round razor sharp disc has made her infamous on some worlds.


Oh yes he says most of the groups or beings trying to dethrone him use men and he has found a pretty girl running around really puts a crimp in most hero's attacks...

He was going to have to use something called Sailor Scout uniforms, but he had a friend over on the moon and they managed to get Queen Serenity to threaten to sue Xen for copyright infringement.

It took him a while to fully convince his wife, but she did finally give in to the armour idea after their daughter got old enough to join. I think she was also losing hope of her oldest sons ever finding anyone as well they were already into their late twenties without any prospects of Grandchildren for her.

Well anyway she finally gave in and settled for Ping having the Pretty Body Stockinged Armoured Security Girls after the hundredth time a hero surprised Ping in his study and locked him in his own dungeon.

You know I hadn't realized till just now why each of his dungeon's cells have those royal class food replicators, lazyboy recliners and entertainment systems with 40 inch plasma TV.

Well as I was saying after the hundredth time he was captured by a "Hero" his peasants were getting really tired of staging spontaneously uprising to end their poor evil dictators vacation and they insisted to his wife that she let him get a security detail to keep him from having an excuse for not being their evil overlord.


Nah it wasn't mind control implants or anything like that he's just really bad at being evil can't keep from being good at his job...

The Heros?

Well most hero's don't seem to be that good at the actual day to day running and ruling of an empire.

Yea Buck was odd like that he was smart enough to know better than to try and rule a world.

Well back to Ping it seems the heros trying to replace Ping and do his job were never as good as Ping the not so Mercyless.

Yea within two months the Heros were always cutting back the peasants paid vacations and claiming they had to increase the work week to 6 eight hour days instead of Ping's normal 4 ten hour days. Why most of the time the Heros would even have to cut out the two week paid vacations.

Why Ping signed that contract to be an evil overlord for life with all those peasants I'll never...

Actually I suspect his wife.

Her Name?

I think she was originally called Xena. All I've ever heard Ping call her is Xen and some cute names I'd really rather not say, so I'm not quite sure, but she is one of those do-gooder types with a hero complex.

Meet her?

Well Ping told me it was an accident.

Seems she came as a Hero to free the peasants and after secretly observing Ping for a few weeks before attacking. Well according to Ping she attacked one day while he was testing the cells in his dungeon and "accidentally" locked both of them into one.

Since no Hero took over to ruin Pings last set of order nobody noticed for a month.

By the way while I'm thinking of it I'll warn you and you can warn any of your minions that Ping the not so mercyless has a wife that is positively evil when it comes to martial arts and the marital arts.

Yes! Good guess. Oh you've met the type.

No it's worse she still has an unmarried sidekick in addition to some still unmarried sons and daughters you would do well to not bother her universe.

The absolutely worse thing that could happen is she see some redeeming quality in you or have her take a liking to you and try and set you up with the "perfect mate".

I've seen it happen before...

Yes Scary!

If you don't believe me just ask my ex-assistant Boris, poor fellow.

He's now the head of Ping's medical research division and married to one of her do-gooder daughters he hasn't been the same since.


Now back to the original subject of you buying my Man Melting Microwave Rayguns and the example of their usefulness to "Ping the not so mercyless".

Ping doesn't really want to kill all those Hero's attacking and neither does his Security Force most of them are just looking for a husband.

Yea ever since word got out experienced Heros and Villains usually give that universe a very wide berth.

Nah, there's always the newbie and want to be Heros and Villains so he still has a pretty good turn over in his Security force.

Even today Ping isn't so sure about Xen's additions and ideas for his Security. All those beauty contest and training to replace security guards lost to marriages. He says it's expensive and doesn't seem quite right almost as if he's putting them on sale. He's always complaining to me about it somehow being demeaning to the female half of his slave and peasant population and gives the wrong idea to the male half, but Xena likes it and sadly from Ping's point of view it's been more than 200% successful.

Poor old Ping hasn't had a chance to kick back with a Mountain dew (did I mentions Xen is a health nut super martial artist) in front of a Plasma TV in one of his dungeon cells in over hundred years, but he has lost nearly 200 security guards two daughters and a son to marriages.

You know you should try Pings Idea for Dungeon furnishing those Heros never bother to look into the cells, they just toss you in and never expect that you might have makings for a real vacation hidden there.

Okay sorry for the rambling.

Now back to the subject of the successful use of my Man Melting Microwave Raygun. The heroes and even many villains are very reluctant to attack girls especially scantily clad pretty girls. Ping's Security girls usually have plenty of time to stun any Heroes that appear and the Man Melting Microwave Raygun's lowest setting are just perfect for that.

You really think that?

Ming you know that's not true!

Remember that cute red headed barbarian Sonja or something that took over your first empi...?

Well what about those belly dancers that were smuggling...

Well this last time wasn't their an attempted marriage to Wilma? Didn't that get you run over by a rocketship?

Okay Okay!

I'll drop it and not go there, just don't lie. If you don't want the truth remember I'm under a truth compulsion.

Okay it's dropped I'm back on Ping now.

No that's not when he decided he wanted all pretty girl security force that's when Ping put his foot down and told his wife that any bodyguard he had wasn't going to run around nearly naked. He was really relieved when that friend over in the old Luna Colonies managed to get Queen Serenity to threaten Xen for copying their Senshi uniforms.

Ping wanted to buy the best body armour money could buy. Yea I told you he was strange. Smart, but strange.

Say did you know that Ping is the only evil dictator I know who wants his body guards well protected, I've never been able to convince the others like you that an expensively protected live body guard is much better than a cheap unprotected dead body guard.

Well again back to the subject it was about this time that Ping's oldest daughter Tena snuck into my lab tore her bluejeans and came out wearing one of my most expensive failures.

Yea I had it locked up I've still not figured out how she got past the door it's still welded shut and unlike most of the Evil overlords I won't name I don't believe in putting vents in storage rooms or closets.

Worse yet she found all the documentation and holographic advertisements and wouldn't quite going on and on about it's specification.

Yea I've asked Ping about her all he will say is she takes after her mother and then he shivers.

Oh it was a skintight opaque thick body stocking made of my own special blend of unobtainium it's cool in the summer and warm in the winter soft and flexible until you try to cut it, punch it, shoot it, zap it or burn it at which point it absorbed the energy and becomes as hard as a diamond. It's heat resistant as any high temperature ceramic. It even has a connector that fits the Lithium battery of my Man Melting Microwave Rayguns and lets you use weapon's fire to charge the Triple M Rayguns.

Sadly I lost the full sale more than a billion dollars poured into making the production equipment and developing the material and I couldn't make the material meet the Goa'uld System Lords required specifications.

To work as needed to be opaque and was far to thick for Shiva's taste. She likes to dress her female host bodies in shear transparent materials, didn't you see what she almost had on at the last Evil overlord reunion?

Oh! sorry I forgot you were dead during that time. By the way I've got several used Regeneration/revitelization chambers for sale cheap. Ping's been buying by newest model by the thousands replacing his older models.

The newest model increases the life span of his peasants from 400 to 700 years and instead of arresting aging at 30 it's now arresting it around 24. By the way have you stuck that minion in your Regeneration/revitelization chamber?

Really! You did already!

No! sorry I didn't mean to sound surprised it's just that you are Ming the Merciless I just didn't think...


What about Shiva?

Oh! Oh yea Shiva is a Goa'uld.


Oh, that name doesn't tell you anything does it.

A Goa'uld is a snake like parasite that likes invading and taking over a human's body.


Oh they can go in through the mouth or enter the body directly through the back. They burrow in and wrap themselves around the person's spine and then I think they bite the brain or something or other not sure.

Well anyway Shiva prefers tall blonde female humans as host and really likes to dress her stolen body in shear, skin tight and skimpy outfits. My armour was skin tight, but it has to be opaque and it's nearly a half inch thick. In the end she took five in case of emergencies and canceled what would have been a constant monthly order in different colours and styles.

If the deal had went through I'd eventually gotten this really cool pyramid shaped star ship hardly used, but since it fell through all she gave me was five worn out death glider.

Nah their pathetic even your old rocket ships matched them in fire power and believe it or not your rocket guns out ranged the two plasma cannons they carry.

Which reminds me if you have any of those old rocket ships still operational you really need to be careful of Stingers.

Sorry Stingers are a little American made missile about 4 feet long programmed to home in and fly up your rocket tubes and explode.

Nah, your Ships can't outrun them they are short ranged, but if you enter that range with one of your rocket ships it's dead.

Nah, I don't sell cheap knockoffs of the stinger anymore the Chinese, North Koreans and Russians drove me out of the business years ago.

Oh Goa'ulds are insane Shiva decided losing a body every once in a while was a cost effective sacrifice and less of an aggravation than risking not being well dressed like a true system lord. She thinks she's a "god" and "gods" don't wear body armour.

By the way her universe is another you might want to stay away from She and those other Goa'uld system lords are in trouble they are facing some really smart and worrisome hero types.

Let me tell you I'm glad they aren't any SG teams around here. They don't hesitate to shoot even when you have a hostage between you and them, why to hear her talk she's already had two host bodies shot out from under her.

Rayguns? Rocket guns?

Well... you see they mostly don't use rayguns they prefer heavy rapid-fire rifles, machine guns, grenades and I've heard they aren't adverse to using stinger missiles or the occasional tactical nuke.


Oh yea you don't know about them either.

Uhh lets see. Say! Do you remember that scientist prisoner you tried to boil in oil? You know the one Buck saved when his dooms day bomb fizzled? Well what his theories covered and what you wanted him to build is what a nuke is.

The SGC used a 5 kilo... no you wouldn't know about that measurement either would you. Okay the SGC used a really small bomb uhh it was about the equivalent of 5000 tons of TNT.

Remember that super explosive one of your minions stole from an Earthling back in the early 1920's?

Good. Well TNT is that super explosive.

Oh No! The bomb doesn't weigh 5000 tons the whole thing can be carried by a single man.

Oh! I don't know several thousand I think. Nah most are 50 kilo... Uh I mean I think most are equal to 50,000 to 150,000 tons of TNT.

The biggest? I don't know for sure the SGC had some they were measuring in the Giga... I mean billions of tons of TNT.


Sorry didn't follow your change of subject there for a second. Oh yea the host is still alive the Goa'uld just suppresses the human mind. Yea there is a way to remove the parasite, but it's hard and these people are the type that worry evil overlords the most.

I can't think of the number of customers those SG teams have shot, nuked or zapped. When push comes to shove the SG teams don't seem to hesitate in shooting a Goa'uld even knowing they are also killing an innocent victim.

Yea like I said every Evil overlords worst nightmare.

Yea it's probably a good idea to mark that universe off your conquest list as well.

Oh yea you know me very well yes I've made very sure to stay on SGC's good side.

Well I used an alternate form and traded the SGC some technology and fixed this cheap rip-off of a regeneration/revitelization chamber they had stolen from the Goa'uld.

Yea that also worries me, Heros that aren't above stealing from evil overlords are rare even today.

Well their Goa'uld chamber, like mine could raise the dead, but it caused brain damage I fixed that and unloaded some of my older regeneration units that Ping was trading back for the updated units.

Hey here is an interesting side note. If you want to allow brain damage their Sarcophagus could keep you young forever. The SGC are willing to trade me 2 Sarcophagus for one of my revitelizations units. Sadly I can't get my units to extend your life more than 5 or 8 centuries, but then again my design doesn't damage your brain either.

Yea that's not something I'd trade for either, brain damage for eternal life not a fair trade, but then I told you the Goa'uld were crazy.

Sarcophagus? SGC? Oh! I didn't tell you SGC stands for Star Gate Command and they are the heroes that are irritating Shiva. Sarcophagus is what the Hero's and Go'uld call their revitelization/reviving chamber.

Yea, I know I prefer my name.


Still want a 1000 Man Melting Microwave Rayguns?


Okay nine hundred and ninety-nine it is. Yes, that will include 999 of the tinfoil suits.

Shiva Go'old suits? Oh! you mean that bodystocking unobtainium body armour. It's expensive, but it will stop blast from the Man Melting Microwave Raygun.

Yea, it also works pretty well against the 40 mm grenades Buck has taken to using.

No! I will not guarantee it will work against rocket ships.




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